- The first time I met Bill, I thought, "What a nice guy he is."

He was just nice.

- We met each other in college.

I was a year, maybe two years ahead of her.

- He was just a guy that didn't play games.

I mean, it would be, "Well, do you wanna go out again next weekend?"

So, it was like, "Well, sure.

This is good.

I like a guy who's just straight up with this."

Bill is an absolutely wonderful dancer, and he has more rhythm, and I just love to dance with Bill White, and I'll just be honest, I fell for him on that dance floor.

I chased Bill White all over that campus.

I don't think he was ready to settle down, but I had found my Mr.

Right and I was gonna catch him, and I did.

- So, we got married and we've been together ever since.

- Over the years, looking at my parents' relationship, they were that idealistic couple, the perfect little family.

- She's one of the kindest people you'll ever meet, and she's a hell of a teacher, and I'm not worth a damn as a student, but I learned to adapt.

- We have always been the best of friends.

We traveled a lot and we really didn't need anybody else to go with us on our travels.

We just like to go by ourselves and just be.

Emilie and I have talked and we think we could see changes in Bill's behavior 10, 12, 15 years ago.

He went from an easygoing, gentle, kind man to angry, reactive.

Not pleasant at all.

- We would get in these insane arguments and it almost escalated to a screaming match.

- I knew that was not Bill White.

He just wasn't himself and he talked about a pinging in his head, "If I could get rid of this pinging."

- I have to give credit to my mom.

She knew there was something wrong, she knew there was something wrong with him, and they went, she went to psychiatrists, she went to the neurologist, she went to the primary care doctor, and they couldn't get a diagnosis.

- And then with the further test with Dr.

Geldmacher's office, we were given the diagnosis of Alzheimer's.

When we got the diagnosis, just who I am, I was gonna fix Bill.

We were gonna get this straightened out.

I gonna fix this.

I set up a little room and we were gonna learn how to redraw the clock.

I had puzzles.

We were trying to put puzzles together.

He couldn't do it.

Those skills left.

- That was maybe the first time in my life that I did see friction between them, where maybe they weren't exactly on the same page.

That was difficult to see.

It was difficult to see someone who was always just smiling and even-keeled to see him sad, I guess.

As a physician, probably every day I see someone who is struggling with dementia, or I see people who have relatives with dementia.

I am actually very much struggling in my practice with how to handle the dementia.

I don't know how to help them.

I don't know what to do.

There are really a lot of research and new drugs been coming out for Alzheimer's, but we don't have a lot of treatment for it.

- 90% of the needs expressed by families facing dementia fall outside the domain of medicine and tests, but rather in the how-tos.

How to provide care, how to improve wellbeing, how to sustain quality of life within the family.

- I feel almost kind of handcuffed with patients or with family members of the patients because I don't have the resources or the knowledge that I would like to help them with.

- There was help to provide care for the person affected by dementia, they could go to daycare or see a doctor, but in terms of enriching the family's life and the wellbeing of all of those involved in the care of a person with dementia, that wasn't there.

- It was just the two of us, and I was kind of like a cruise director trying to keep him occupied, trying to do this, and we'd have schedules.

"I'm gonna take you here," or, "We're gonna do this this day," and then I started needing time away from him as well, and I learned about the respite programs, and quite honestly, I wasn't ready to admit that he needed that.

- When Madeline first came to the support group, someone referred her, and she came, and she listened, and she came up to me afterwards and she said, "This is great, but I just don't think that we need this right now.

I think that we will be able to get through this ourselves, and you know, we're very close, we've been married a long time, and this was too upsetting for me," and I said, "Okay," and I knew in my head at that moment, she'll be back, and about three months later, she came to the door and just fell in my arms and said, "I can't do this."

- I went in as full of fear, pure fear of, "I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to do.

I don't want this."

And Valerie put her arms around me and said, "We will be with you throughout this entire journey."

(serene music) - The vision for the respite ministry began in 2012 when Bishop Lawson Bryan, our senior pastor here at First Methodist in Montgomery, asked if I would begin a dementia ministry for the city.

For care partners, for people living with the disease.

- We started asking the question, what needs to happen in this community that will not happen unless a church does it?

And we got a lot of answers, from the mayor, the city council, the social agencies.

The one that seemed to match our church best was something for people living with dementia and their families.

- I had to sit with that for almost a year.

I researched what we could do.

Congregational respite has been around for decades.

That was not my original idea.

So, I went and mapped out two or three that were in the Southeast, I pulled what I thought that would be useful for our program here in Montgomery, and that's how we built our local ministry here.

And so what we landed on was between 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock, we were going to begin this awesome volunteer ministry that would serve the community.

It would serve early to moderate people living with a diagnosis of dementia.

It would give their care partner a break from 10:00 to 2:00.

What we didn't realize was that it was really gonna transform all of our lives.

My mother worked with something called the Extension Service, and one of her pet projects was senior adults, and every October for as long as I can remember, she would check me out of school for something called elder camp, and for three days, she would take about 300 seniors up to a big church camp.

Greyhound buses would be donated.

She had talent shows.

She had continuing education classes through the day.

I think the governor came one year.

I was the only child.

For 18 years, I was checked out of school for three days, and those people had such a great community and a joyful atmosphere.

I looked forward to it every year.

It was the first time that I recognized that people really wanted purpose, and they wanted community, and they wanted to be together, and they wanted to grow together.

And when I got into my adult life and I knew that I wanted to work with seniors, when the chance for respite came along, I really think I've patterned respite around elder camp.

- It's a group of people, volunteers as well as our friends, and then the friends' caregivers who are all there to love one another, and that is, that's it.

We walk in.

There are hugs.

There are, you know, "I'm happy to see you again."

- We give them a standing ovation, clap our hands as they walk through the door, which makes them feel really welcome.

- We play games, we laugh, we joke.

We just do it all, and to see that these people are living with memory loss is amazing that you can still have fun, purpose, meaning in life.

- [Anne] In 2015, Valerie Boyd came to Canterbury.

- And one of the first things that I wanted to do was start a support group for caregivers who were caring for loved ones who had Alzheimer's or dementia.

- She found out about this program in Montgomery called respite, and she went down and visited, and all I could hear from her was, "You have got to go see this program.

You have got to go see this program."

And she said, "It's a joyful place," and I doubted that, actually.

I couldn't imagine such a program existed.

- I was a little intimidated as I think many volunteers are, just about the idea of working with people living with dementia.

- The negative stigma exists before you become associated with a program like respite.

- You come in thinking that these people aren't gonna be able to interact.

They're not gonna be able to do puzzles, they're not gonna be able to do a challenging art project, but with the trust that they start to gain in us, they start to gain confidence in themselves.

- What we see is people still able to have joy, still able to call back some memories, sing music that they remember, enjoy things still, and seeing the joy in their faces brings joy to everybody.

- I realized that this program was something that we needed at Canterbury.

- These programs are filled with happiness and genuineness.

It's just a beautiful thing to see.

They greet Bill with a smile.

They greet him with conversation, a pat on the back, or, "Hey, buddy, what kinda hat you wearing today?"

- It's a very good group.

It's kinda like a bond.

It could be like a little fraternity.

- And honestly, he needs that camaraderie with men.

He's around me all the time, and he's not around, really, not around that many more people.

It's the people in Encore and the respite programs that give him a social life.

He looks forward to going every time we drive over there and he gets back in the car talking about, "Those are the happiest, nicest people I've ever been around.

Man, I just love it."

- The friendships are fostered very easily.

The participants, they're really happy.

I've gotten so many responses from our caregivers about the change that they've noticed, even in their behavior, how they're feeling.

They wanna come.

- They smile, they laugh.

They're able to communicate better.

- It's a very healing thing.

It's a kind of a spiritual experience, even though this isn't necessarily, at least this chapter, based on a religious program.

It still is a spiritual experience.

I feel every week that I come here, we have this sort of release that we get to feel.

- I think that it's a heartful hard for at-home caregiver to create these kind of experiences day after day after day, but they can come here for four hours and they're surrounded by friends, and I think that creates joy in their life, and it creates joy in the life of the caregiver when they see their loved one experiencing that.

- By him going to these respite programs, it gives me a chance to recharge my batteries and take a little time out for myself.

- The signature story of Respite For All is about a couple named Jack and Mary.

Jack was the head of a chemical incinerator in North Alabama where I'm from.

He had Alzheimer's and Parkinson's.

He was about 6'2".

He could barely talk.

No verbal skills left.

His wife, her name was Mary.

She didn't know me.

She didn't know the volunteers.

In the first three weeks that we had started the program.

She brought Jack and she wouldn't leave him, and we kept saying, "Mary, you know, you need to go," and she wouldn't go.

So, she stayed, and two weeks later, unbeknownst to me, I had a volunteer take her out in the hallway and say, "Mary, my mother had Alzheimer's, my dad had Parkinson's.

We got this.

We got this.

You gotta go."

So, Mary comes back in the room, and at that time, we're just beginning and there's only about 15 of us, and Mary says, "Jack.

Jack, I'm coming back at two o'clock.

I love you so much and I'm not deserting you.

I love you, I love you, and I'm not leaving you.

I'm coming back at two o'clock.

It's just a few more hours."

And we are all watching this all unfold in our face and it was just so emotional.

It was visceral.

She did not want to leave him.

And I'm sitting there thinking, "Golly, do I love my husband this much?

I don't know."

We're all thinking the same thing.

And then all of a sudden, this big 6'2" fella, he turned around and he looks at all of us, and he looks at her and he says, "Goodbye!"

and the whole room just died laughing.

But you see, in that very moment, in that very moment, we recognized he was the one that needed the break from her.

We do so much and we need to to give these care partners space for them to have a respite, a break from something hard, but that day, we recognized he needed the break from her, and you see, that story has done so much for us because we train our directors how to deal with reluctant caregivers.

People don't want to bring their person out living with a challenge into the general public, right?

They don't know us at the beginning, but when we tell that story, "Have you ever thought that Bill might need a break from you?"

and we get them to see that is golden, but it was a twofold story.

Mary came back at two o'clock and when she came back in, I said, "Mary, what did you do?

Did you go to lunch with the girls?

Did you go shopping?

What did you do with four hours?"

and she just gave me the biggest hug, biggest embrace, and she said, "Oh, dear one.

I went home, I took off my clothes, I put on my bathrobe, and I was alone with my thoughts for the first time in three years.

Your church, these volunteers, you have afforded me a chance to be alone with my thoughts."

And it was so significant in my life because three years of never being alone?

I just think, we can't even imagine it, right?

It was such a powerful story.

That's who we represent.

- I've been in other programs for senior adults where you will see one or two people running around like crazy trying to take care of all the things while a majority of the participants, or the residents, or whatever the case is, are just sitting there unengaged.

The difference between something like that and the respite model is that you have essentially volunteer-to-participant ratio of one-to-one, and that's very unique and it's very important.

- Because we're volunteer-run, we can have a one-to-one ratio, which means there's no othering, there's no teacher-student, there's no somebody who needs to be taken care of.

You get to show up as yourself and be part of the crowd.

- When I go down into the room, I really cannot tell who is the friend or who is the volunteer because everybody is on the same playing field.

Everybody's interacting together, so I think it just provides that safe environment for the person that has cognitive impairment, that they can be themselves there.

- It has blurred the line between who is the care recipient and who is the caregiver.

There are roles for everyone in respite, and even the most affected individuals can contribute to the activities and feel as though their contribution is valued, that they are bringing goodness to others by their participation in respite, even though they're nominally the person receiving care.

- Senior adults don't merely want to be entertained.

They want to be needed, they want to be useful, and so respite care is ideal for, really, any age or circumstance.

- The people that we serve at respite, they have built your community, they've built your church, they've led somewhere in their lives, and just because they have an issue with memory loss or challenges, they still wanna give back to their community.

What we've landed on that is so awesome for the past five years is how do we incorporate service projects in our daily planning?

Packing surprise bags for cancer patients with, like, chocolate, and water, and chapsticks, and such.

One program in Dothan, Alabama packs diaper bags for young mothers.

Probably the most favorite activity that we do in Montgomery, in the original respite, is pack dog food and cat food for our friends at Meals on Wheels.

We do a big dog food, cat food drive to pack 200 or 300 pints of bags and our friends are just barking and meowing and howling all day long, but we do that three or four times a year.

It's making a difference in our community, right?

How do we set them up to succeed and how do we set them up to give back?

- To be needed, to be valued, to have others recognize your dignity as a person, no matter where you are in your life, that's a beautiful thing and people wanna be a part of that.

- So, when you're at our place, it kind of looks like it's a lot of fun and games and singing, but it's so much more than that.

It's very intentional, the programming.

We do things that light up the brain.

- Mobility is a critical aspect of wellbeing in people with neurologic disease, and so activities that involve mobility, balloon volleyball and things like that, appear like fun, but they actually have other value.

We know that social engagement, being with people and positively engaged with other people, provides great value for mood and mental energy for people with dementia and for older adults as a whole.

- [Alison] It's well documented that music and singing and arts, creativity really uses the part of the brain that lasts longer with people living with dementia.

- Music just reaches way back into people's souls.

You know, that muscle memory of music is one that lasts the longest.

We had a minister one time who never spoke, and when we would sing hymns, he would look at the words, he would sing every word, and tears would just roll down his face.

It was just really tapping into his soul, and the music is, it just does beautiful things with these folks.

For all of us, me included.

(gentle music) - [David] The real value in the respite ministries is this connection with all aspects of the person.

It's not just the person affected by the dementia, it's not just the caregiver, but rather this sense that we are working together to improve our quality of lives.

- Respite care is a part of our ministry that provides a support for families, not only here in the congregation, but in the community.

For our church, being predominantly African American, it's really a blessing just to have this ministry, have this center here to provide that for us from a cultural standpoint.

Usually for people that have, are living with dementia or some chronic disease or something like that, we tend to hold them close at home, we don't bring them out, so that's been a great change for our community is to utilize all of the services and resources outside of our homes and moving away from the stigma of keeping our loved ones away from being exposed in a way to a spiritual denomination that normally they wouldn't have.

- That's what I love about Respite For All is that we want to take a holistic approach in helping our families.

- Respite For All signifies respite for the care partner, respite for the person living with dementia and disease, but it also signifies respite for the mediocrity of retirement.

How many baby boomers do we know that are searching for purpose and meaning?

We had no idea the power that this was gonna have to transform their lives.

- We dance, we sing, we have much fun, and when they leave, I feel like I've done something with my life for that day and I've enriched their life, but more than that, they've enriched mine because I've had a great time and I just feel very fulfilled, and it's different from any other volunteer experience that I've had because it's so rewarding.

It's instant gratification, you know?

- It's the day of the week that I laugh the most, I get the most hugs, and I just enjoy it so much that I get more out of it, I think, than I give to them, but it's just, it's a family, and you just feel the love for these people and they show the love to us.

- What it did for our church, what it continues to do for Canterbury, is just remarkable.

Probably half of our volunteers don't belong to our church, so it really brings people in to be together in the community.

- Just being in this place, being in this church, being in this atmosphere brings us closer together in a way that I think many times we don't realize how important it is, and that's the great thing is that we're really making a great impact, not only in their lives, but especially in their families' lives, knowing that there is a support system in place and a spiritual one too.

I think we have to acknowledge God in the presence of this ministry because without him working in us to provide for them, it just couldn't be.

- Our church members who are volunteers have come alive in a way I always longed that they would be, but I couldn't make it happen, and they would say to me things like, "I feel more like I'm serving Christ now than I ever have."

One said, "I joined this church to get to do things like this.

I just didn't know it would be this good."

That's when I realized we've got something here that's not just like any other program.

It's a ministry and it's changing the lives of the volunteers who are part of it.

- One of my favorite stories in our volunteer training is to tell the story of Bebe and our friend Eileen.

Bebe was a physician's wife.

Her husband had passed away.

She was living in deep grief.

She was almost paralyzed with the grief from losing her husband.

She called me one day and she said, "Boss, I really wanna come and try to work.

Can I come and try to volunteer with you?"

and I said, "Sure, you can.

Come on and give it a try."

Well, there was a lady living with Lewy body dementia named Eileen and she could not verbally talk.

She loved to do our art projects, but she really couldn't talk, and Bebe, our volunteer, just really hit it off with Eileen and they really became the best of friends.

They were looking for each other every Wednesday.

They, you know, they loved and they knew one another.

Well, it turns out later on in the fall around Thanksgiving, I got a call from Bebe, the volunteer, and she says, "Boss!"

That's what they call me.

"Boss, is it legal for a volunteer to go to dinner at one of our friend's houses?"

and I said, "What are you talking about?"

and she said, "Eileen's daughter is coming in from New York and her son is coming in from California and they've invited me, they've invited me to their Thanksgiving dinner.

Is it legal for me to go?"

and I said, "Of course it is.

Of course it is."

But what I want you to take away from the story is in that very moment, I recognized Eileen was the true volunteer in that relationship.

With Eileen's courage and her presence and her showing up to respite every day, Eileen had changed the life of Bebe with her inclusion and her acceptance.

(gentle music) - I tell everyone that comes into my support group, "You cannot do this alone.

You have to have support."

- You know, I talk to these care partners on the phone and they're just strung out and they're stressed out and they don't really know what we offer, and I just tell 'em, "Listen, we're not offering a cure.

We're offering you a place of belonging."

- It has been life-altering for me to be around people who are in the same situation with a loved one with dementia.

The skills that I have learned are unbelievable.

I didn't know how to deal with Bill with this dementia.

I didn't know, and I realized that I was putting all this effort into trying to get him to reprogram his brain and it was futile, and that the best thing I could do was just, just to love him as he was, and so that's what I've tried to do.

It doesn't mean I don't miss who he used to be, but I try to love him where he is.

When I think about Bill, he was in such turmoil back then, and now to see him?

He's gentle.

He's kind.

He seems at peace.

- It's almost like we have my dad back.

We have this kind, loving, fun, easygoing man back.

- I have a lot of time to think, to evaluate, to open my mind.

What are other options?

What could be a route that would help take the place of, "Woe is me," make it positive, and part of that is patience.

Learning patience rather than reaction.

The road is endless and I'm happy to be, I won't say driving on the road, but I'm sure close.

(inspiring music) - Last night's dinner, it touched me in a way that I haven't been touched before, and I think it really meant a lot to Madeline and Bill, watching them connect, and she said later that they had not talked about some of those things and connected in that way.

- I'm gonna tell you, the thought of you going to Encore, to the respite program, was tough for me.

I knew it would be good for you, but I wasn't ready to admit that you were gonna be hitting the balloon with a, no, hitting the balloon with a noodle, and the thought that my Bill White would do that had me in tears until I learned how much fun it was to do that, and I'm thinking, "Everybody on this earth ought to be doing that."

You know?

I mean, I'm like, we went to Bill's mother's 100th birthday party September 1st, and what, you know, I'm always in charge of fun.

What did I bring?

I went to the Dollar Tree.

I brought noodles and balloons.

I am where I am in this journey with my precious Bill because of what I've learned in Encore support group.

- The friendships that have occurred have come totally uninvited, but in a, thank God.

It has shown me something that it's, what did I miss before?

I mean, it's like, where has this been?

And I'm sitting there going, and Madeline'll say, "How'd it go?"

I said, "You won't believe it."

It touched my heart.

(gentle music) It's been a process.

Thought I was superman, you know?

"I can do it.

I can do it."

I learned I couldn't do it by myself, and each day, it's a challenge, but you know what?

Life is a challenge.

- Quite honestly, I have a lot of fear about how much more Bill will progress, how quickly he will progress, and it was almost too much for me, but one fun thing in the context of this documentary, we had dinner and we went outside and you guys were leaving and packing up the cameras, and the moon was huge that night, and Bill and I danced to our song, dancing in the moonlight like we did in college, and then Bill looked at me.

It was the sweetest.

Bill looked at me and said, "I've fallen in love with you again tonight."

And I will tell you I heard him and I felt it.

Bill, I love you so much, and I will always be here to take care of you.

I love you, Bill.

(inspiring music) - The narrative of dementia is that our life is over once we've gotten the diagnosis, right?

That's why people don't go to the doctor.

They don't wanna hear it because they, they think their life is gonna be over once they hear those words.

There is so much more living to be done.

There is so much more living.

Respite For All provides the community of 50 new friends.

Do you know how hard it is to make a new friend after you've had a diagnosis of Alzheimer's or dementia?

It's almost impossible, right?

But in our ministry, four hours a day, you're meeting multiple people through the week who care about you, who miss you, who look for you, who need your presence.

There's a spirituality that's in every single one of our ministries and programs that we all share.

We do have secular programs, but there's something more.

It's not about religion.

It's not about theology.

It's about being a part of something greater than ourselves.

- These are human values of community, the dignity of the human being, and the capacity of humans to be resilient, to be alive in fresh ways, so this is basic humanity that we're dealing with here.

- If we believe that people are born with an innate dignity, then we can be any denomination, we can be any size, we can be any, we can be a community center, we can be a synagogue, we can be an Islamic center.

We can be anything.

Any organization with the heart for people needs to be in the business of caring for people with dementia.

- I think back to elder camp.

I think to respite now.

We are growing every day.

- It's rather amazing for a local church, or any group, really, to be able to be on the leading edge of addressing a major social need for which nobody else knows what to do.

- It's gonna change the world.

It's a model that any church can do.

It's not that hard and there's a blueprint with Respite For All that can make this such an easy program.

If you have a parent or a sibling who has dementia, this might be something you would champion.

- If you've been affected by this disease and you wanna do something to make a difference, I'm begging you, give us a call.

- You don't have to be alone in this.

- Once you see the love that's in the room and the interaction between everyone, you'll be hooked.

- This is one of the most magical, transformational things you will ever attempt to do.

- It's as easy as being with any friend.

- We can all find a place at the table here.

- This is a ministry from the heart of God, and God is waiting on you.

- We are a community of brothers and sisters.

Our goal is to reclaim joy together and to live on in this friendship revolution that we've created.

- We are just beginning.

(inspiring music) (inspiring music ends) (gentle music) (gentle music continues) ♪ We get it on most every night ♪ ♪ And when that moon gets big and bright ♪ ♪ It's a supernatural delight ♪ ♪ Everybody was dancing in the moonlight ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ Everybody here is out of sight ♪ ♪ They don't bark and they don't bite ♪ ♪ They keep things loose, they keep things light ♪ ♪ Everybody was dancing in the moonlight ♪ ♪ Dancing in the moonlight ♪ ♪ Everybody's feeling warm and bright ♪ ♪ It's such a fine and natural sight ♪ ♪ Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ We like our fun and we never fight ♪ ♪ You can't dance and stay uptight ♪ ♪ It's a supernatural delight ♪ ♪ Everybody was dancing in the moonlight ♪ ♪ Dancing in the moonlight ♪ ♪ Everybody's feeling warm and bright ♪ ♪ It's such a fine and natural sight ♪ ♪ Everybody was dancing in the moonlight ♪ ♪ Mm ♪ (gentle music) ♪ Everybody here is out of sight ♪ ♪ They don't bark and they don't bite ♪ ♪ They keep things loose, they keep things light ♪ ♪ Everybody was dancing in the moonlight ♪ ♪ Dancing in the moonlight ♪ ♪ Everybody's feeling warm and bright ♪ ♪ It's such a fine and natural sight ♪ ♪ Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ♪ ♪ Everybody's feeling warm and bright ♪ ♪ It's such a fine and natural sight ♪ ♪ They're dancing in the moonlight ♪ (gentle music) (gentle music ends) - You know.

No, seriously.

Now, they're, Valerie knows this.

The support group's gonna think this is fake.

- [Interviewer] I know!

They are!

- No, they're gonna think it's fake because I cry all the time in every meeting.